KHR Shenanigans
by MaverickHunter12
Summary: A series of one-shots, illustrating the crazy, wacky life of the Vongola and those around them. Rated T for Varia potty-mouth. Mostly humor, but may feature more serious stories.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: Thought this would be a funny scenario. Enjoy**

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It was a relatively quiet day within the Varia mansion. Squalo's voice was surprisingly not shattering people's eardrums with its shear volume, no one had been decapitated, Xanxus hadn't shot anybody in the face, and aside from Bel occasionally throwing knive at Fran it was quite peaceful.

Of course, peace never lasts when there are Varia shenanigans to be had.

The whole of Vongola's elite, independent assassination squad, except for Lussuria, had sat down at the huge table in their huge, ornately decorated dining room for lunch. There was idle chatter here and there but it never went beyond a simple death threat. Fran was surprisingly uninterested in trading jibes with the blonde, Cheshire grin plastered prince sitting beside him. Squalo was using his indoor voice, or at least the closest thing he had to one, and Levi was kissing slightly less ass then usual.

Their wrathful, dark skinned, scarred, perma-scowling boss was sitting at the head. A portable phone was held up to his head and he appeared to be in the middle of a very important business call. And so, lunch continued; with Xanxus occasionally calling the person on the other end of the line "trash" or "scum" and sometimes threatening to "rip his balls off".

No one looked up as the Varia sun guardian and resident Muay Thai master, Lussuria entered the room. Rather than move to sit at his seat though, he walked up to Xanxus, waiting patiently for the boss to acknowledge him. Everyone else looked up. It had been a boring day so far and maybe the boss beating someone half to death would liven things up.

After promptly telling the guy on the phone hold or else he would "burn him to a crisp", Xanxus looked up at the ridiculously clothed assassin.

"What is it trash? I'm in the middle of an important call" Lussuria determined he had six seconds to answer before Xanxus just got tied of waiting and decided to blow his sun guardian's head off.

"My apologies boss, but I need to use the phone". Everyone's eyes widened, you didn't simply ask the boss to use something that he was using.

"And what is so important that you need to interrupt my call?" The room became a few degrees colder as Xanxus' growl became a snarl. Everyone expected Lussuria to simply back away and keep at least ten metres way from the boss for the rest of the week. But what followed was easily the most unbelievable statement that Lussuria could possibly say.

"I need to call my girlfriend".

You could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed. No one said anything. What could they say? The members of the Varia were all to busy trying to pick up the broken pieces of their perception to be able to form coherent thought, let alone words. Lussuria however, didn't notice.

"She and I made plans to do something tonight and I need to call her to see if she had an idea for what exactly". Xanxus didn't answer, he simply handed Lussuria the phone with his mouth still twisted in a frown; but for some reason his eyes looked empty. The eccentric man took the phone and thanked the boss before leaving. In less than a few seconds later, everyone's confusion spilled out.

"VOOOIIII! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!"

"Bel-Sempai, I'm scared"

"Ishishishishishi, the prince demands to know what the hell is going on"

"Boss, what should we do? Boss?"

Xanxus was a simple man. He only had three emotions; cranky, angry, and enraged. However, a completely new feeling had overtaken him. He had only felt this twice; when he had learned that he wasn't actually the Ninth's son, and when he lost to that weakling trash Sawada Tsunayoshi.

It was confusion. And Xanxus didn't like it.

"Listen up trash!" he shouted, grabbing everyone's attention, "We're going to find out what the hell is going on!" His gaze turned to Squalo, Bel, and Fran. "I want you scum to shadow the ambiguously gay one tonight. Figure out if there is truth to this insanity". The three nodded before leaping into action. He then turned his attention to Levi, "Go through that scum's diary locked in his dresser, leave no page unturned". Levi nodded before he to leapt into action. Xanxus was left alone. He reached for his bottle of Tequila, noticing that it was mostly empty.

"I'm going to need a lot more to get through this."

_Five hours later._

The three assassins;, Squalo, Bel, and Fran had been shadowing Lussuria for a while now through the city, hiding in alleyway after alleyway as well as among the crowd. Fran's illusions had kept them concealed, but someone with Lussuria's skill could easily catch on. The three simply could't process what they'd heard before. Lussuria? The guy who obsessed over floral patterns? The guy who added –chan at the end of everyone's name? The guy who talked like a housewife? Straight?

"Perhaps Lussuria-senpai is actually honest?" Fran said in his usual monotone.

"Vooiii!" Squalo shouted, but not loud enough for their target to hear. "That can't be fucking possible. All those suggestive tones, all those innuendo, he's one of the most stereotypically gay people we know of".

"Ishishishishi, I wonder if the pathetic assistant is having more luck then we are?" Bel chucled with a grin plastered over his face.

_Meanwhile_

"Oh, poor Lussuria!" Levi sobbed as he read the high school section of his cohort's diary. "How could Romano treat you so badly simply because of who you are?" Levi threw his hands to his face to keep the tears from escaping as he cried out in sympathy for the misfortune that the sun guardian experienced early in his life.

_And back to where we were_

"Knowing that bastard, he's probably screwing up" Squalo replied through gritted teeth. He was jolted out of his seething by the sight of an attractive brunette wearing a white blouse and a skirt approaching Lussuria.

"The prince has spotted the brightly colored peasant's date," Bel stated. Indeed, they did seem to have some familiarity with each other.

"Are you stupid?" retorted Squalo, who was avidly trying to deny what he saw. "He's just asking her for directions, that's all". The couple then began to engage in a long, drawn out kiss. Bel looked at Squalo, the rain swordsman beginning to twitch slightly.

"Ishishishishishi, that's a funny way of asking for directions".

"Voooiiii, she's probably from some foreign country and that's there way of greeting people".

"You're so smart Squalo-senpai" Fran added; though it sounded more like he was mocking the denial-stricken shark. Either way, he was greatly entertained by the Varia's second-in-command's attempts at denying reality. "But wait, now they're putting their tongues in each others mouths; that's so gross".

"VOOOIIII! WHAT ARE YOU, BLIND? That witch is trying to eat his face! Don't worry Lussuria! I'll save you!"

The huge crowd fled in terror as an insane maniac with long silver hair began running past them, waving a sword attached to his arm and screaming at the top of his lungs. Lussuria turned and a look of pure shock appeared on him.

"Squalo-chan? What are you doing?" he asked in surprise.

"VOOIII! I'm saving you from that face eating monster, now get her to hold still so I can cut her down!" Lussuria's date was already running away at high speeds, screaming in fear and yelling about how she could never have a normal date. By the time she had disappeared from sight, Squalo was standing next to Lussuria, panting after his extremely taxing rampage. He turned to the man beside him.

"Are you okay?" Squalo asked the man. He was answered by a straight punch to the jaw which sent him spiraling into the building just behind him, which crumbled and broke apart as the rain swordsman crashed into it.

"You absolute beast!" Lussuria shouted. Squalo could only contemplate why Lussuria was attacking him for saving his face from a face-eating monster before slipping into unconsciousness.

_Later_

Lussuria stood before the boss in his office. Xanxus was seated behind his desk with a bottle of tequila in hand and his signature scowl set firmly in place. After he had returned to Varia mansion with and unconscious Squalo and an amused Bel and Fran, he had been called to the boss' office to explain this "madness".

"So let me get this straight trash" Xanxus began, "You had decided to experiment with a heterosexual relationship because you were curious and your friend…"

"Julia"

"Julia, hooked you up with one of her friends," he said as he recounted what Lussuria had told him.

"I'm soooo sorry boss" the actually gay man apologized "I just didn't want anyone to know, I was actually quite embarrassed". Lussuria waited for his boss' wrath, but thankfully he instead told him-

"Just get out of my sight" and he did, as quickly as his feet could carry him. He almost thought that he'd heard the boss breathe a sigh of relief as he left, but didn't dare to turn around. As he descended the stairs, he caught a strange sight. Sitting on the benches was Levi, holding an open book and crying as he read it.

"I knew you could overcome that" Levi said to know one in particular as he read through what must have been an emotional part of the book. Lussuria almost smiled at his coworker's sensitivity; that is until he saw exactly what the lightning guardian was reading, which sent him into a blind rage.

"Is that my diary!?"

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**Please review. Also, this won't be updated too frequently, since its more a way for me to break out of any writing funks I might have with my other project.  
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	2. Chapter 2: The Six Drunken Personalities

**Author's Notes: I got this idea after watching Collegehumor's "Six Drunk Personalities video". Hope you enjoy.**

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Tsuna didn't like parties.

Don't get him wrong, he enjoyed nice, peaceful celebrations. Some music, some food, maybe even a bit of dancing.

What he didn't like was rowdy, destructive romps, in which there was a barely controllable crowd, copious amounts of alcohol, loud music, and him having to stop Violent Nut A from killing Violent Nut B, and vice-versa.

In short, he did not like Parties in which three or more of his guardians were involved.

So of course, Reborn, being the Spartan, sadistic baby/man/thing that he was, would constantly drag Tsuna to signature Vongola parties, in which violence, chaos, and general mayhem were aplenty. It had gotten to the point where Tsuna was beginning to think Reborn just made up random events and threw Vongola somewhere in the name to make it sound legitimate.

Tsuna was right now, sitting on a couch, in a large Ballroom, in a mansion that the Vongola had rented for a celebration of some kind. The ornamental and rather aristocratic feel to the place made it seem as though the perfect place to hold a sophisticated ball. This contrasted heavily with the destructive festivity that seemed it would be more at home in a teenager's rec room thanin a classy mansion.

He was sitting all alone, his guardians having already gone onto the dance floor, when Reborn greeted him in his signature way; by kicking him in the face.

"Ciaossu!"

Tsuna was glad he was on the couch, as it gave him something soft to fall on. Now to do something about the intense pain shooting through his jaw.

"Reborn! What do you want!?" Tsuna demanded as he clutched his aching jaw.

"Dame-Tsuna, I'm here to get you wasted" Reborn answered. His words really didn't match up with that high-pitched, and rather adorable chibi voice of his.

Tsuna shook his head up furiously. He hated alcohol; even if you ignored the fact that he was a minor, it clouded his Hyper-Intuition, made him feel sick, and he was quite afraid to become drunk, due to the fact that he had seen his dad do some pretty ridiculous things when he was drunk, even more than what was considered to be normal.

"It'll put hair on your chest" Reborn stated. Tsuna realized that Reborn had his mentor look on. The look that said _I'm going to make you do this even if there is a risk of you being sexually assaulted by an armadillo because I'm your teacher, and you're my dame-student._ Of course, Tsuna had never actually been at risk of being sexually assaulted by an armadillo during Reborn's training.

Although there was that close call with a parakeet…

"Enough talk, do it with your dying will" Reborn demanded as he shoved the bottle into Tsuna;s mouth. The ultra-powerful Vongola edition Sake went to work on Tsuna's brain, dulling his judgment, slowing his motor controls, and in short, making him a jackass.

His eyes glazed over, and he slowly stumbled into the crowd. From the shadows stepped Vongola Nono, who sat beside Reborn on the couch.

"He's finally done it, hasn't he? Timoteo said. "He has inherited the Vongola's final state…"

"The six drunken personalities of Vongola!"

_#1: The Angry_

_This personality is usually characterized by a hatred for pretty much everything and everyone the person makes eye contact with. The subject usually verbally assaults his/her victim and can be quite a pissed-off prick._

"Tenth!" Gokudera cried as he saw Tsuna with his face in the punch bowl. The Mafia-boss-to-be staggered out and seemed to be having trouble keeping his balance. Gokudera raced towards his boss.

"Tenth! Are you all rig-

"Shaddup!" Tsuna half-slurred, half-shouted. Gokudera was shocked, the Tenth had never shouted at him in anger before. He noticed a slight pink tinge on the Tenth's cheeks. "You never use my stupid name! I'm fucking Sawada Tsunayoshi, not a damn number!"

Gokudera could only stand stock-still as his beloved boss subjected him to an onslaught of verbal abuse, until he could take it no more and ran out of the ballroom, crying like an infant.

Tsuna continued shouting, until he realized that he was yelling at empty space. At which point, he walked further into the crowd.

_#2: The Sorrowful_

_The subject has at this time, begun to believe that everything that ever happened in his/her life to be an unbelievable tragedy. He/she will begin crying at the most random moments over something as minor as spilled milk, and will pretty much be a glass half-empty kind of person._

"My life is terrible!" Tsuna sobbed as he sat in the corner, Lambo beside him and tears streaming down his face. Lambo was surprised to say the least, Tsuna-nii was crying like a sissy, even more then he usually did. He would've made fun of him if it didn't seem so wrong. "I never wanted to be a Mafia Boss, or live with a psychotic baby who's idea of fun involves climactic battles to the death that seem like something out of a shounen manga". He wiped his face on hissleeve.

He wasn't done yet though. "And the worst part is that Kyoko-chan probably thinks I'm weird because I spend my time hanging out with violent lunatics!" now he was crying even harder, a line of snot trickling out of his nostril and down his lip.

"Tsuna-nii, you gotta stop crying", Lambo pleaded, tears welling up in his eyes. "Or else I'll cry to". The bawling continued though, and Lambo felt himself losing control of his emotions. "Gotta… Stay… Calm… ", the damn burst, and Lambo found himself joining Tsuna in his loud weeping. Everyone who saw the pitiful pair could only walk away, lest things become even more awkward.

_#3: The Daredevil_

_The subject has now developed an interest in doing acts of great courage (AKA, Stupidity). Side effects of this personality may include broken bones, internal bleeding, external bleeding, concussions, and possibly death._

"Now, now Tsuna" Yamamoto coaxed, "You need to get off that chandelier before you hurt yourself".

Tsuna was swinging from the large decoration, a wild look in his eyes. "Don't try to stop me Yamamoto! I'm going to prove to everybody that I am not a dame-loser!" Yamamoto couldn't really understand what Tsuna was talking about; he'd been ranting about walking tightrope, motorcycle jumps, and every crazy thing you could think of. It had gotten to the point where Yamamoto was seriously worried about Tsuna's safety.

A familiar head of silver hair pushed through the crowd. "Baseball-idiot! where's the Tenth? I have to apologize for whatever it was I did and whatever I might do later on".

Yamamoto sweat-dropped before pointing to the ceiling with a nervous smile on his face.

"What are you pointing at you- AAAAGGHHH!"

The scene of Tsuna dangerously swinging from the chandelier had thrown Gokudera into hysterics; in fact, if anyone paid real close attention, they would have seen a wet stain form on his pants.

"Tenth! Please no! You have so much to live for!"

"Ma, ma Gokudera, I don't think that he's about to commit suicide" Yamamoto told him.

Tsuna heard neither of them; instead, he continued swinging until he had reached the highest point of his arc. At which point he let himself go and flew through the air, laughing like Byakuran on free marshmallow day (Which is not a real day actually).

The laughing stopped though. Why you may ask?

It might have had something to do with the fact that he crashed through a large paned window and landed in a series of thorny rose bushes.

Which Reborn had suspiciously altered to be even more thorny and sharp than usual.

Yamamoto and Gokudera looked out the window down towards the rose bushes where Tsuna was crying in pain. Gokudera looked like his jaw was about to hit the floor, while Yamamoto had a puzzled look upon his face.

"Huh…", the rain guardian said as Gokudera rushed outside to save his beloved boss.

"Maybe he was trying to commit suicide".

_#4: The Fighter_

_This personality differs from The Daredevil, in that while the subject is still doing dangerous acts, now he/she does it through picking fights with random people. It should be noted that by this time, the subject is totally wasted, lacking any proper motor control, or judgment skills. Making the chance of him/her not being beaten down, absolutely zero._

Tsuna staggered through the crowd, his eyes scanning everybody, trying to find someone worth fighting. Everyone looked so weak though, he needed to find somebody worth getting into a brawl with; not some sissy.

He spotted a familiar head of short, white hair. Finally, somebody who looked like they posed a challenge.

Ryohei was bored out of his skull, not only was he forced to abandon a boxing practice to come here, but there` was nothing to do. Unruly parties were pretty extreme, but not extreme enough for his tastes. Oh well, maybe some drunk would be stupid enough to challenge him, it wouldn't be very fun though if it was just some extremely random dude. Suddenly, he was jolted from his boredom by the sound of someone shouting at the top of his lungs overwhelmed the party noise.

"Raaaaghhh! Fight me Onii-San!" Ryohei blinked in bewilderment, was that Sawada? It couldn't be, he had this wild crazy look in his eyes as he barged through the multitude of party-goers. But wait? Did he ask him to fight him?

The boxing fanatic let a grin spread across his face; this was awesome, he finally had someone worth fighting. He threw off his shirt, drawing a few stares puzzled stares, and drew himself into a boxing stance.

"Let's go Sawada-San!" he roared as the two charged forward.

On the edge of the crowd, Yamamoto and Reborn stood watching the fight. Yamamoto had a nervous expression on his appearance.

"Hey Reborn-sensei?"

"Yeah?"

"Can Tsuna actually win?"

"Well let's see, he's drunk off his ass, and doesn't seem to have any balance anymore".

"So… No?"

The beating that Tsuna endured at Ryohei's hand's (or fists) was unparalleled. Eventually, the Vongola Sun Guardian became bored, and walked away. Leaving Tsuna in a jumbled heap.

_#5: The Flirt_

_By this point, the person is now a hopeless, horny, player (at least they think they are), who would be willing to sleep with anything, be they animal, vegetable, or mineral. While the male bosses of the family have never had any luck while in this state, it is rumored that Vongola Nono was conceived while Vongola Ottavo was in this state, this was also the only time Vongola Ottavo ever drank, as she refused to even touch alcohol afterwards._

"No seriously" Tsuna drawled, his face a bright pink flush. He had an idiotic smirk on his mug, and his breath reeked of alcohol. Chrome was quite uncomfortable, Boss had never acted like this before; also, didn't Boss like Miss Kyoko? This wasn't like him at all.

"Boss, you're drunk" Chrome mumbled, "You should lie down".

"Don't worry Chrome, we'll have good time". If Tsuna's hyper-intuition was working properly, then he would've sensed the massive killer-intent behind him. The evil presence had caused everyone within 10 metres to immediately begin backing away as far as they possibly could. Finally, the wicked existencespoke.

"Kufufufufufu, Tsunayoshi-Kun, are you bothering my cute little Chrome?" Rokudo Mukurolaughed, though his voice was filled with malice.

"Tsuna looked behind him; asinister looking man towered over him, with a soulless grin twisted on his face. Tsuna's danger senses were of course on break.

"Sorry, but I don't go for girly men, especially ones with pineapple hair". Everyone who knew of Mukuro's berserk button gasped in alarm. Mukuro's eye twitched.

Tsuna's screams were heard for miles.

_#6: The Corpse_

_The final personality. It is a gigantic, mega-hangover. The subject is most likely puking his/her guts out, as well as desperately searching for headache medication, that is if they can even find the strength to get out of bed. The will to live has become no more than a fantasy._

"I am so ashamed of you!" Nana yelled at her son, who was currently in bed, groaning in pain. "I swear, you are more like your father than I care for! When you get out of bed, we are going to have a serious talk!"

She slammed the door as she left, causing Tsuna's head to throb with pain. Last night had been Hell. That damn Reborn was responsible for this, it was because of him that he now had bruises, scratches, and stab wounds from a trident. He closed his eyes in the hope that sweet death would come unto him in his sleep and relieve him of the headaches, toilet trips, and body aches.  
He thought he felt a slight breeze, almost as if someone had opened a window, but paid it no mind. He felt himself slowly drift into dreamland, but his attempt at sleep was interrupted by a cold, monotonous voice that froze his blood.

"Herbivore, it is illegal for minors to drink"

Tsuna slowly opened his eyes as he prayed to every god in existence that it wouldn't be who he thought it was. Alas, it would not be so; for above him, was the feared, and mildly pissed off Kyoya Hibari. Words could not describe how much shit he was in.

Hibari raised his tonfa. "For disrupting the peace and discipline of Nanimori, I shall bite you to death".

And as Tsuna was viciously beaten, he vowed he would never, ever drink again.

He would do that with his dying will.

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**Author's Notes: I had a bit more trouble with this than the last one. The Varia are just easier to write comedy for, probably because the're such an unstable, colorful assortment of characters.  
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